My First Day of Work
What you had just read I wrote the day before, unaware that I still hadn't fully made it out of rehab which feels as though it has lasted for quite a few years. Well, for most of my life I was not consciously aware that ever since that fateful day some months before my third birthday, I had actually been living in what was equivalent to the brain damage ward with fundamentally no staff and hardly any visitors. I was also sharing that ward with a brother who was two years older and my father ~ trauma causes brain damage and if unhealed can trip a person up their entire life getting them into all sorts of undesirable situations and always wondering how to get out.
Well, in a sense it mostly felt as though I was alone because they were both quite distant. When my dad's girlfriend passed away after they had been together for 20 years, he ended up living back at the family home and since I hadn't figured out how to get out yet, it felt in some ways as though he came back as if for the first time in the sense that I had never seen him in so much pain even though the pain is always there beneath the surface of the lives of most. Repressed pain remains that way until one figures out how to release it.
I have become somewhat of an expert in that for I had a lot of pain that I had to release and since few knew the best remedies, I ended up following a lot of mostly lost men who didn't lead me to calmer, more peaceful waters. I actually believe that woman have been some of my best healers because it was as though the divine feminine was what I needed most. When my mom went on her way four months before her 28th birthday, pregnant with her third child, I lost my home because what is a home without love ~ my mom was the pillar of love that we all hung on to and when that pillar was gone, it's like we all fell into our own ways of coping with the new reality that we found ourselves in.
Something happened tonight. I began creating more beauty in the living room. I had brought six crystal singing bowls back from the cabin in the woods. When I drove up there this morning my intention was to sell them and use the money for the trip to Mexico that I was thinking of embarking on in the near future.
But when I got home, I talked with my best friend for some time on the phone and said that I have to remember that I am just getting out of rehab and I'm best off living day to day. Yes, my entire subconscious program since that tragic day I last set eyes on my dear mother has been 'get away'. I paddled for years down lakes and rivers, biked across this land, went to India, Israel, Mexico, Brazil, Turkey, Egypt. It's like my legs were non stop from the moment I woke up to the moment I went to sleep except for all those years I had to sit in mostly boring classrooms. If there were words to describe my programming it would be, 'keep busy to distract yourself from the pain within'. I was somewhat of a master of keeping busy. Even if my legs weren't taking me somewhere, my mind sure would go on quite the adventures in various cult-like groups that I got involved in over the years.
I was listening to this beautiful Hang pan music...
It dawned on me that the cabin the woods had been one of my biggest escapes. My dad and I had bought the property close to 30 years ago and so we've all been sharing it but most of the time I'd go up there on my own. Only in the last few years was I having more friends come up. If the house in the city was like a kind of prison in the sense that it's not so easy to get out of the brain damage ward when you have no guidance although I came to realize that it's as though when we slow down enough, it's as though our 'Mother/Father' in Heaven gets an opportunity to guide us to the people and places and teachings that we need to heal. I discovered that brain damage from trauma can indeed be healed. I believe that my journey to Othership was a big part of that healing ~ submerging in ice cold water and the warmth of the sauna and the love of the guides and the spirit of the music. I was led there by two friends but it's as though when you really look it's as though you can see the hand of God behind all that we experience.
Acting classes using the Meisner technique was another surprise remedy helping me to connect with others which is something I truly did not learn how to do at home and in most of my schooling.
It was like today I woke up to this situation that I have been living in for so long and it was as though for the first time I saw what needed to be done ~ all these years, it's like there was no order to the house, very little love was put into it. When we're blocked, love can't flow. The truth is that anyone who is in the 'brain damage ward' for trauma needs to heal that first before they are even ready to think about work, a career. When someone breaks their leg they have to stop everything else and focus on healing and only once it's healed can they get back to their life. Up until now it seems that if a person experiences severe 'emotional' trauma they too need to stop just about everything and heal. I consider myself lucky to have figured out how to stop enough so that I could do that final healing that I wouldn't have been able to do if I hadn't learned how to rest which I finally learned how to do when I starting observing the Sabbath according to the teachings in the Torah.
I am really seeing that a person will know when they are healed ~ they'll want to work and focus on making their dreams come true, they'll feel a fresh energy, perhaps have a new outlook.
So, instead of flying back to Mexico where this tale began in many ways, I started re-arranging the living room and was just about to unpack those singing bowls. I decided that instead of bringing them over to my friend's who might be interested in buying them, I'm going to set them up in the living room near the fireplace and invite her to come over to play for my dad and me and whoever else might want to join us as a the flames of the fire dance beside her.
It's easy to take off and believe you're having a good time in some distant land. The real joy seems to be in staying in those places that may be most challenging and turning them into something beautiful. It was like I couldn't leave this house until I turned it back into that truly loving, harmonious, beautiful space that I'm sure my mom would have turned it into. Yes, life without the divine feminine doesn't work so well and the divine feminine is within men too but in our society it's as though men are not so in touch with that aspect of themselves. It's not surprising that some of my best friends/guides have been women.
I was truly excited for this next chapter of my life ~ it's like I had gone from what was my prison to my home overnight as Easter Monday fades away and a whole new life awaits as a new day dawns.