The Lead in | A Poet's Tale

The Lead In

“I write to hide.

I write to reveal myself.”

– unknown

BLUEPRINTS IN MY MIND

I wasn’t even three years old when
I started writing these
blueprints in my mind ~
on a cold, snowy January day
in early nineteen sixty-nine.

I didn’t know that just across town
my mother’s body was going down,
slowly disappearing into the ground.
Many gathered by her side
to recite a prayer and say goodbye.

I looked out my window, waiting for her ~
from dawn to dusk and through the night.
I never did see her footprints in the snow.
In spring, the birds began to sing and flowers grow,
and the wind whispered what I didn’t want to know.

As I grew, I wasn’t even aware
of these blueprints in my mind.
The ink had long ago dried.
I had set off on the challenge of life,
unaware of that day in nineteen sixty-nine.

I paddled for years through rivers and lakes,
and tried to reach distant mountain peaks.
I biked across this beautiful land,
and traveled through the hot desert sand.
But something was missing ~ I knew not what.

One day I set out with a friend
to paddle down an ancient river.
On the first morning, we awoke to birdsong.
I sat on a rock at the dawn,
looking out across the calm water.

Hours passed, and ripples turned to waves.
The blue sky became speckled with clouds.
Seagulls fluttered in the currents of wind.
The trees above me swayed.
Six hours had passed, and I was the rock.

It was a slow beginning
to a trip I never wanted to embark on ~
into my mind and feelings,
where bit by bit I would uncover
these blueprints in my mind.

I had built my life on these plans.
The ink was worn, the paper brittle;
some parts were badly torn.
I had to go searching for what was missing ~
they were locked behind heavy doors.

So piece by piece, I laid them out
and traced over the worn-out ink.
I studied these plans night and day.
The main theme became clear indeed:
it was love ~ that was my greatest fear.

Before that day in sixty-nine,
I had been loved, and I loved.
And when it disappeared, so did I.
I went inside and lived safely
with these blueprints in my mind.

If I never let anyone love me again,
then I wouldn’t lose anything again.
I could live my days,
never worrying about
that pain that stole my youthful heart.

But that safe road I had chosen
would only lead to lakes that were frozen.
And so, once these old plans were clear,
I could toss them away without fear
and walk a new road.

I had no idea how long it would take to uncover those blueprints, study them, and then tuck them away on the shelf as a memory and a story. I explored many healing and spiritual paths ~ it was as though my whole journey was about returning to the present moment.

Along the way, I encountered many searchers, “teachers,” gurus, systems, therapies, self-help books, and philosophies. I would follow a particular path or teacher for months, even years, before realizing that the path was flawed ~ often leaving me disillusioned, and feeling more lost and confused. Yet I always persevered, believing the answers were out there somewhere.

I learned a great deal along the way, and the many life lessons are contained within these pages. I always carried a journal, as I had discovered I loved to write ~ poems would often flow through me onto the page almost effortlessly. Winding my journey through the poems I wrote along the way was the form this book took: guiding the reader through distant lands, as well as inner worlds.

In the end, I was reminded that the “Kingdom of Heaven” is within. The closer I came to that place, the more I could see the turmoil within others, and my compassion grew. I realized that peace is our natural state ~ wars and conflicts are simply manifestations of the darkness within.

It is my hope that this story will help you move closer to that Kingdom within, so that our children and our children’s children may grow up in happy, peaceful, prosperous lands of great opportunity, harmony, love, freedom, and equality for all.

Enjoy the journey ahead.

With love,

Reuben Berger

The Journey