Breakups ~ For many can be the most traumatic experience of their life

Reuben Berger
2 days ago
3 min read

Breakups can be some of the most traumatic experiences in a person’s life, and many people never fully recover from them.

🌱 Why Breakups Cut So Deep

Attachment bonds: When we form a relationship, our nervous system bonds to that person as a source of safety, comfort, and belonging. A breakup severs that bond, often leaving us feeling unmoored and unsafe.
Identity entwined: In relationship, we often build part of our identity around “us.” When the “us” disappears, it can feel like a part of ourselves has vanished.
Old wounds awakened: Breakups often re-open childhood wounds of abandonment, rejection, or not being enough. The pain is not only about the partner lost, but also the echoes of earlier losses.
Loss of future vision: Beyond losing a partner, one also loses the imagined future ~ the “someday” plans, the home envisioned, the sense of direction.

🌸 Why Few Recover Fully

Culture of distraction: Instead of guiding people to grieve deeply, our culture often says, “Move on, find someone new, keep busy.” That suppresses the healing process.
Isolation: Many don’t have safe spaces to share the depth of their heartbreak. They carry it alone, which can prolong or even freeze grief*.
Substitutions: Some jump into another relationship or addiction to cover the wound, layering distraction on top of trauma.

🌊 What True Recovery Looks Like

Grieving fully: Allowing oneself to feel the loss without rushing past it. Tears, rage, longing ~ all of it needs space.
Reconnecting to self: Discovering again that love and worth don’t vanish with the loss of a partner. This is where practices like meditation, breath, movement, and self-expression help.
Community support: Having safe, loving witnesses who can hold the grief without judgment is crucial. Healing rarely happens in isolation.
Reclaiming meaning: Eventually, the pain can be integrated into wisdom ~ fueling deeper compassion, clarity, and capacity for true love in the future.

✨ In many ways, a breakup is like a mini-death ~ the death of a relationship, an identity, a future imagined. And just as with death, healing requires mourning, love, and time.

*Freezing grief is a very real and very common response.

🌱 What “Freezing Grief” Means

When loss strikes ~ whether through death, breakup, or abandonment — the natural process would be to feel the waves of sadness, anger, longing, and eventually integration. But sometimes the pain is so overwhelming that the psyche and nervous system say: “Too much. I can’t handle this now.”

So instead of moving through grief, the body and mind freeze it:

Tears are held back.
Memories are pushed down.
The heart is “numbed” as a protective mechanism.

This doesn’t mean the grief goes away — it simply gets stored in the body, the subconscious, or beneath layers of distraction.

🌸 Why Grief Freezes

Lack of support: If there’s no safe space or person to witness the grief, the mourner unconsciously shuts it down.
Survival: In childhood especially, if grieving openly would risk losing love or safety, the system freezes it to preserve belonging.
Cultural messages: Society often pushes us to “move on,” “stay strong,” or distract ourselves — discouraging the natural flow of mourning.
Fear of overwhelm: Deep down, many believe that if they let grief out, it will drown them. So they lock it away.

🌊 Signs of Frozen Grief

Feeling numb or disconnected, especially when talking about past loss.
Repeated cycles of shallow relationships or distractions (work, substances, media).
Sudden outbursts of anger, sadness, or anxiety that don’t seem connected to the present moment.
Physical symptoms (tight chest, shallow breath, tension in the body) with no clear cause.

🌹 The Cost of Frozen Grief

Frozen grief keeps us from fully feeling joy, love, and presence. It takes energy to hold it down, energy that could otherwise fuel creativity, intimacy, or play.

But ~ and this is hopeful ~ frozen grief can thaw. Often it takes safety, breath, community, and gentleness. As wit frostbite: the pain often shows up when the heart begins to warm. That’s actually a sign of healing beginning.